I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about about being in good general working order when it comes to dating
It’s also difficult to build or maintain a relationship when depression is your co-pilot, dripping poison in your ear about yourself, about how others supposedly feel or even just whether this is worth the effort
And your list of supposed drawbacks – you’re autistic, you’re approaching being a literal 40-year old virgin, you live at home and have mental health issues – makes it sound like your question is very much like the latter.
Well, let’s take a few of these on, in order of importance and relevance. But first, I want to give you a phrase to keep in mind that will be relevant for pretty much everything we cover: “perfection isn’t necessary or even desirable”. Perfection is the hobgoblin of a scared mind, the idea that only the best of the best will ever do when in reality, nobody wants that nor would even know what to do with it if they had it. Perfection is necessary when you’re tuning a piano. Are you a piano? If not, then “good enough” is, in fact, good enough.
This is one of those times where that question is going to be important. If your depression or anxiety aren’t under control or managed – and please note carefully that I say “managed” and not “fixed” – then you’re going to have a much harder time, on multiple axes.
Social anxiety, for example, is going to make it harder to talk to people, to put yourself out there and to trust yourself enough to actually shoot your shot. It’s very difficult, and I speak from experience here, to be genuinely connect with people or to be your most authentic, polished self if you’re mentally analyzing every word, intonation and micro-expression for meaning for fear that you’re doing something wrong.
These are going to be the biggest drawbacks to your dating life, primarily because they’re the ones that are going to have the greatest effects relative to your goal
But if you have a reasonable handle on those – you’re working with a therapist, you have medication that helps or you’ve been practicing your CBT exercises – then that’s not an issue that will prevent you from dating. (more…)