Emotions and expectations can also play a part in post-coital insomnia. In fact, our mindset, stress levels, body image, and feelings toward our partner can all factor into how we might feel after sex and if we’ll be ready for sleep, says Jessica Byrd, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist in Arizona who specializes in women’s mental health and sexual dissatisfaction. “Anytime we don’t follow a script that’s been normalized, we can find ourselves wondering, What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t my body working the way that it’s supposed to?” says Byrd. Add in the pressure levied by media portrayals of women almost unanimously enjoying sex late at night (after the kids have gone to bed and the dishes are done) plus the resentment that can bubble up if a partner is able to fall asleep easily after sex, and it becomes easy to see why sleep after sex can be a stress trigger for many women.
If you have trouble sleeping after bedtime sex, know that you are not alone and that your problem is not uncommon. Here are factors to consider and a plan of action.
Make peace with natural sleep changes
Yes, nighttime sex might have some impact on your quality of sleep, but how you sleep shifts over time. “As women age, there are changes to the depth of sleep and the amount of fragmentation in the sleep of both men and women,” says Winter. In fact, everyone gets worse at sleeping as we age. We also simply need less of it Jolly Romance. “For a lot of people, the struggle is not with an inability to sleep; it’s with sleep efficiency,” says Winter. In other words, we e sleep, just over a longer period, and sleeping all the way through seven hours feels better than seven hours spread out over nine hours, explains Winter.
So if you’re having trouble falling asleep after nighttime sex, try not to pressure yourself into the idea of needing to go to bed at a certain time, especially if you find yourself not sleeping soundly. Instead, stay up a bit later so that you condense your sleep time. “Think of it like squeezing the air bubbles out of your sleep,” suggests Winter.
Speak up
Just because everyone’s doing it at night in the movies doesn’t mean that’s in the script for you. If sex before bed isn’t working for you, explain your issues to your partner so it doesn’t develop into animosity and frustration. “It’s not about apologizing,” says Byrd. “It’s more about collaborating with your partner to figure how to name what’s going on and work on solving it together.”
Make a plan
For many couples, especially those with young kids, evening might seem like the only time to be intimate without interruption. But try to be open to other options even if they’re out of your comfort zone. “We know that exercise can impede sleep, so many people change the timing of when they work out,” says Winter. He recommends that the same strategy can be used for sex. If you can, schedule intimacy a little earlier, and then don’t beat yourself up for wanting – or needing! – to read a few chapters of a good book afterward instead of drifting off to sleep while cuddling. Or if the kids are out of the house during the day, you can take advantage of the time alone to prioritize intimacy. Anytime that works for you can work for sex.
Stop stressing
Turns out that agonizing over the possibility of a disruption to your habitual wind-down routine can actually make it a reality. “How we think about our sleep tends to impair our performance,” says Winter. In addition, “Sometimes people just don’t sleep well,” says Winter. But worrying about your sleep can impact not only your sleep health but also your sexual appetite. Being at peace with the process of easing yourself into sleep can facilitate a healthier mindset all around.